Blessings

I can't even begin to tell you how blessed I have been lately.

Sears hired me as a seasonal employee.

I have another job possibility (that will not be disclosed yet, as it is not definite. So please pray for that.)

Sweet Jonathan came to visit me and it was one of my favorite weekends ever.

I'm constantly surrounded by amazing friends and Christian family.

The editor of a magazine told me that I was a good writer.

I have the time and ability to help others in multiple ways.

My house is big enough to be messy. I have more possessions than I need.

I am loved.

I am blessed.

God is good.

Struggling

I haven't blogged in a while. At least not about anything productive and spiritual. It seems like lately I've lost focus. I'm struggling with finding my place in God's family.

Lately I haven't had a job. Jonathan is not here. I feel like I've been wasting my days. Sure I've kept busy with church stuff and friends. But I haven't really accomplished anything.

I feel like I'm just sitting by waiting for God to do something. Even though I know that He's done enough and it's me who needs to get up and run with it. I just don't know what to do. I need to do SOMETHING, I just don't know what.

Which leads me again to not knowing what I need to accomplish. I mean, I need a job. Duh. I'm tired of looking for that though. It's just a job. It just provides earthly things for me. I don't think a job brings me an spiritual worth.

I need to accomplish a closer relationship with Jonathan. We need to keep growing and learning. A stagnant relationship is a dying one. It's difficult to grow together when we're 3 states apart. Ultimately I feel like this is going to benefit us, and now it's the best option, but we've got to work harder at it.

I've been itching to go on a mission trip lately. Just to get away. Unfortunately, that requires money...of which I do not have. I think that would revamp my spiritual life. I thought about trying to do China Now. (Which involves living in China for a year doing mission work and teaching English.) Jonathan and I talked about it, and the ever-sweet man that he is told me to go for it. Ultimately, I did not. For him, mostly. I don't want to leave him for a year.

Lately, I find myself becoming more irritable and frustrated at senseless things. Like a broken toilet. Or dirty dishes. It's because I've lost my focus. What am I here for? What's my job?

Today needs to be the day I renew my devotion. I don't know what God's doing with me, but I need to look harder. I should never just stop.

I'm open to ideas as well. What do you think I should be doing? Where should I go?

My Guy

My guy...

Doesn't belittle, degrade, or mock me.

Would never hit me, talk about hitting me, or joke about hitting me.

Respects my opinion.

Expects me to do well and work hard.

Thinks I am intelligent.

Is chivalrous, kind to others, and polite.

Laughs with me, not at me...and only about pure things.

Listens to me.

Wants us to go the heaven.

There are so many women out there who do not have this kind of guy. I'm so blessed to have him.

Job....wooooo

As long as I pass the background check and drug test, I will have a job at Sears next week.

This is exciting, right?

I mean, I was excited. My friends are excited. Well....my friends in Tennessee are excited.

If you've been following my blog for a long time (like 3 years or so), you know that I've had a hard time finding a place where I feel at home. I don't feel like Huntingdon or Clarksburg is home. Sure, that's where my wonderful family is and I love them. But I don't fit in that "country" culture.

FHU felt like home for a while then I graduated and left. You grow up and mature and college is no longer home.

And last year Henderson became my home. For once I finally felt comfortable where I was in my life. I had friends and responsibilities. And I fit in here. This is where my roots began to grow.

Then comes sweet Jonathan and Ohio.

And now I'm torn again.

I love where I live. But the most important person in my life wants me to be somewhere else. Close to him.

He's not excited about this job. It means I can't make frequent trips to see him. It means I won't be moving anytime soon. And I won't get to see him as often. That hurts me. But I have responsibilities here. I want to live in Tennessee as long as possible because the hard truth is, if he and I get married I WILL be moving to Ohio.

*sigh* Why does all of this have to be bittersweet?

I've said it before and I'll say it again:
I think this is God's way of reminding me that this world is not my home. I'll never be comfortable here.

Letting Go

I'm usually super organized. And not cluttered. And not messy.

I used to keep my email inbox at 20 emails or less. I was very prompt and regular in cleaning it out.

And then last year happened. And I couldn't bring myself to clean out my email anymore. There were just too many memories. Good and bad.

It just hurt too much to erase all of that.

And my email kept growing and growing. I deleted spam and things. But I kept everything else. Just in case.

And then I started keeping things because I knew that if I started cleaning out my email, eventually I'd get to the end. The haunting end where all of those skeletons were.

It would hurt. To know that things aren't the same as they were then.

I was hoarding. Hoarding in my email account. Because I didn't want to let go.

I recently told Jonathan about this. It was really getting to me that I have over 600 emails in my inbox.

So he sat by me. During the 1st Quarter of the UT/LSU game. And I removed the bad emails. Then all of the other ones. It wasn't hard. Partly because he was here. Partly because I was paying attention to the game. (Have you seen this game? It's intense.)

And now it's empty. 16 emails. None from that bad time. And I'm free. I let go. :-)

Musings on God's Family

I think one of the biggest reasons that God intended for His church to be like a family was so that we would support and care for each other during our struggles. To "bear one another's burdens." To provide what the person cannot manage to acquire themselves.

This is one of my favorite things about God. He made us to care for each other. In addition to Him caring for us.

On Friendships

I've had a lot of relationships in my life. And unfortunately, up until a couple years ago, most of them were bad. I had a knack in college for picking terrible friends. (Now, keep in mind that MOST of them were bad, but there were the few AMAZING relationships in there. Diamonds in the rough, if you will.)

Though I'm tempted to point out the bad relationships in the past, I won't. It's just not a good idea to single people out like that. And I've moved on and changed and realized what good friends are...so let's just leave the dead laying. Suffice it to say that the ones who were terrible friends are the ones I no longer talk to.

What I do want to talk about though it the difference in the good friends that I've made. With the acquisition of new friends, I've discovered what friendship is supposed to be like. Let me tell you, it's an amazing thing.

They seek me out. I'm simply shocked at the number of times people will ask me to hang out. We can talk about God together. We share together. We laugh and cry together. We don't have to agree on things, but we respect each others' opinion. I can't tell you how blessed I am to have this support system. This Christian support system, who loves and treats me like a sister in Christ.

I haven't always been the greatest friend. For that, I apologize. But I'm learning more and more what it's like to be one and how to love the people that choose to love me.

I love what Shakespeare said: "A friend is one who knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow."

Priorities

I love the show Dancing with the Stars. I used to be a dancer and I love the art of dance. Tonight is the third week elimination, but I will not be watching.

Because as much as I love the show and the competition, I've got better things to do. I'll be hanging out with friends. Cheering on the Chorale softball teams.

Because people are ALWAYS more important than things.

I've been hearing a saying lately: "People were created to be loved. Things were created to be used. The reason why the world is in chaos, is because things are being loved, and people are being used."

This is so true. I love football. I love it when the Titans and the Vols win. But I will never put that between me and another Christian. It's just not worth it. My top priority is not things. It is people.

Sometimes people get on my nerves. Those of you who've known me for a while, know that I lacked tact and would tell people exactly how I felt when they got on my nerves. But now, I feel as if preserving their feelings is best. Unless it was really hurtful and spiteful, or said in bad spirits...it's not necessary to make them feel bad. They mean well. So I just let it go.

I want people to see me as a loving, kind, Christian woman. I want to put others first...and Jesus before anyone. Apparently now, I've got my priorities straight.

One Year Ago

Last year on Friday night of the BBQ Festival, I was just settling in to Henderson. I went to the youth talent show with some of my friends (the Gotts and the Hicks). I didn’t know anyone who was performing but they pointed out the ones who were members of the church. I was just getting to know the Gotts.

I was happy. And I specifically remember thinking, “I wonder what a year from now will be like. Will I be closer to these people? Will I be settled and happy here?”

Let’s fast forward to tonight. I went to the BBQ Festival by myself to cheer on some girls in the youth group who performed in the talent show. The Gotts were busy and the Hicks were out of town but I had no problem finding other friends to hang out with there (the Thompson's, Deffenbaugh's, and Cross') who I've gotten to knwo over the past year. We laughed, talked, ate, and watched the talent show. I cheered on 3 girls who I've taught in Bible class and gotten to know over the past year.

I helped Robert and Elizabeth finish moving into their new place (where my friend Bethany used to live and I crashed at frequently). Last year, they had just begun dating and now they are married. Sasha and Ashley are about to have babies. I stopped by the youth group lock-in to hang out with the kids who I’ve missed so much lately. They’re such a blessing in my life, and I don’t even think they realize it.

This year, things have happened that I would have never expected (both bad and good), but I’m still settled and happy here. Last year, I never in my wildest dreams thought that I’d be dating Jonathan now. Last year he was just a friend. I never thought I would be considering moving to Ohio. Henderson was my anchor. I chose it as my home.

Overall, I’m proud of this year (some parts more than others.) I’ve grown and matured. I’m more focused and happier. I’ve got the best support system ever: amazing friends, a wonderful boyfriend, and my amazing God. I can only hope that this coming year is going to be just as awesome.

I never know what God has in store for me. I don’t know where I’ll be in a year…whether in Henderson or Ohio or Brazil. Single or dating or engaged. Alive. It’s a morbid thought, but I feel like it needs to be said. I just don’t know what’s going to happen.