My Thorns, My Scars

For those of you who don't know, I deal with depression. I hesitate to use the phrase "suffer with", although suffer is a good term for it. However, I'd rather "deal with" depression than "suffer" with it.

It pains me to write this. It's usually something I don't want just everyone to know. I'm afraid people will treat me differently. Hesitate to get close to me. Stigmatize it. Or worse, qualify my mental illness as a sin.

It started as a teenager and has rarely relented since. I've seen many counselors and finally decided to try anti-depressants about 2 years ago. Boy, I wish I would have started them sooner. It makes a world of difference. So much so, that this last year has been almost normal.

Almost.

Those of you that are closest to me (and those of you that have been reading my blogs for years) know that I have also suffered from an addiction. I don't yet feel comfortable disclosing that to the public again, but I'm sure if you stalked my blogs long enough, you'd figure it out.

In the past, when my depression and addiction took over my life, I flunked out of classes. I lost friends. I was incredibly irresponsible, mean, and crazy. I was not dependable for anything. I was lazy. But I've gotten incredibly better, so much so that no one who has met me in the past year would notice, I think.

But I tell you all of this to tell you that it's never over.

This weekend, I participated in one of the most amazing weekends ever. I participated with the youth group in Lad to Leaders. I was a chaperone. I was given responsibility. I'm sure they could have done it just fine without me, but people depended on me. And in the midst of the crowds of people, the new experiences, the responsibility.....I almost cracked.

I made it through with just a few panicked moments alone. And I'm proud of myself. In the past, I would have given in to depression. I would have just crawled in a corner and sobbed. But I didn't. I came through with my head held high. And I had fun. I'm so glad I did it.

Part of me is afraid that people will read this and not want to give me responsibility again. I pray that's not the case. I've gone through a lot to get to this point and I've accomplished a lot to be able to control this.

Part of me doesn't want to be ashamed of this anymore. I have a friend, Katelyn, who has gone through depression and I look up to her. She is not ashamed. And she uses it to help others. I wanna be like her.

Please don't let this change your opinion of me. I'm the same person you've always known, now you just have a better idea of why I am the way that I am.

I guess my point in all of this is, I don't want to hide it. This has been a part of my life for 10 years. I feel like it is a piece of me, but not a bad piece anymore. It's brought me wisdom and knowledge, mercy and long-suffering. I want you to know that this is part of who I am.

And I just pray that you'll all still love me the same. :-)

Perception

If you've ever read my Facebook statuses, you'll know I'm not an optimist.

It's true. I believe that people are created with a natural disposition to be optimistic, pessimistic, or realistic. I think God did that on purpose, so that the world would have a good balance of cup half empty, cup half full, and cup filled with liquid kind of people.

So, I think he made me a realist. I'm not sure how I come off to others, but in my head, I feel like a realist. My bad days happen because bad things happened. My good days happen when good things happened.

I try to live each day to it's best. I try to please God in everything that I do. I try to spread the Word about the Good News.

But...I fail a lot. I start to realize that most of the things I post online are negative...even though most of the things I think are not. I realize that most of my Facebook friends don't see and converse with me on a daily basis, so the only perception they have is what I post.

For that, I'm sorry. I hope that the people with whom I do converse with on a regular basis can attest to the fact that I'm not a whiney complainey dramatic person. I hope. And I hope that if I am that way in person, that I can become a better person.

However, I also want you to know that I will always speak my mind. I see no shame in being honest or hiding my feelings. (I think you all probably know that.) I do, however, must continually practice doing that kindly. Sometimes my mouth gets ahead of my mind and things just don't come out nicely. For that, I'm sorry.

As a child, I got in trouble a lot for SAYING something wrong. I didn't misbehave a lot. I did talk back.

My tongue is perhaps my biggest weakness, but I've come a long way in controlling it. Sometimes I just need a little boost.

So here's to more positive Facebook posts!