Happily Ever After

I've got everything.

Almost literally.

I have everything that I never thought I could have.

A sweet, amazing Christian husband (who's real cute, by the way). A  job that I love. (I know it may not seem like it, but I really do.) Friends in Ohio (and Kentucky and Tennessee.....and other states and countries). Awesome family.

We were blessed beyond measure at all of the wedding and Christmas presents we got. I'm still in awe of it all. How did I get here?

Jonathan and I can pay our bills without struggling every month.


We both have cars. A warm apartment. Furniture. Things things things!

I am able to work. I'm able to take care of a home.

I'm surrounded by people who love me. And like me. (Well, I think they do.....)

"The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want..."

Even before I had all of these blessings, I had all I needed. I had God.

But now, I have so much more. So much more to thank Him for.

I'm so unworthy, but so thankful.

There's nothing I want. There's nothing I need.

Appreciative Reflections

I've been very reminiscent this week.

I'm not sure why, maybe because I'm starting a new chapter in my life and it's time to reflect on past chapters and see how they relate. That's my theory at least.

Here's what I've discovered:

There have been times when I thought my Freed-Hardeman experience was negative (not because of the school in any way, but individual situations). A few bright spots, but overall bleak. As I looked through old pictures and video today though, I was able to see differently. That's the good thing about pictures: they're often taken in good times, not bad. You don't get in a fight with someone and say "ooh...let's capture this moment."

Anyway. Some of the best memories were from my last 3 years of college. That's where a lot of my life-long friends came from. I'm glad I experienced those things. I'm glad I can look back now and remember the good in it, and forget the bad. Trips with Chorale, the mission trip to Scotland, working at TV40 and the library, dinners with friends, living in Hall-Roland, the Gatlinburg trip, celebrating my birthday in Alabama, I could go on forever. These are some of my happiest moments.

I'm thankful that I have Jonathan now, but I'm also thankful we didn't start dating until after I graduated. Only then could I could truly appreciate and value the amazing man that he is. I'm glad we have separate experiences of the same place that we love and cherish, but oddly enough, have so many of our loved ones in common.

I've been trying to think of a way to adequately thank our friends who helped us during the wedding process. I'm still not quite sure that there is a way to do that. I love to give you all money, but let's face it, I'm not rich...yet. I'm sure words are also not enough, but so far, that's all I have.

With family, you kind of expect them to help. Not that I don't appreciate everything that my mom and John and Janie did for us during this time. We couldn't have done it without them, and they've been an amazing support system for us. But with friends, it's more of a voluntary basis. They usually help because they want to, because they've grown to love and appreciate you for you....not because they raised you.

That fact pricks me in the heart. I guess I don't appreciate my friends as much as I should on a normal basis, much less a special occasion like the wedding. I was touched at everyone who wanted to help, who showed up, ran errands, spent money and time, and put up with my cranky behind (let's face it, I was no peach.)

I've gone over in my mind how each person got there. Why each person was important enough to come and be a part of our day. (I won't type them all out here but I will probably be pouring it all into thank you cards later.) I feel so undeserving of all of that love. What have I done to reciprocate that? Not enough, I think.

So just know, for now....I am so thankful for all of you. I love you all and someday, I hope to reciprocate the love that you've shown to me. :-)

Musings of a Newly Engaged Woman

I know you guys want to hear the story, but truth be told, there's not much to tell. It was perfect for us, but simple. He asked me to marry him and I said yes. (There was the little detail of an old man in a speedo, but I'll save that for later.)

What I want to tell you now are some of the thoughts that have run through my head in the past 4 days since this shiny ring was put on my finger.

1. "This ring is heavy. I guess that's what real diamonds feel like."

It hasn't been as hard to get used to as I thought. It just seemed like a natural thing. Those of you who know me well wont be surprised that the first thing I said after "Yes" was "How much was it?" Turns out, it was on sale and PERFECT. I was almost more excited about it being on sale than the proposal in general.

2. "Do I have to start getting manicures and going on crash diets now?"

(I decided the answer to that was a big fat NO! I am who I am. I hate manicures. I think one for the engagement pictures and wedding will be nice. And I don't want to be extra cranky from hunger during what may be a stressful time. I'm OK with the size I am now. Obviously Jonathan doesn't mind. If I lose a few pounds, that would be nice, but I'm not trying.)

3. "I don't care"
 
I've been thinking about things like the bridesmaids dresses. And shoes. And hairstyles. And I've come to the conclusion that I don't really care. I mean, I want them to look cute. But I also want them to be comfortable and happy. And I also know that one hair style and dress style and heel type don't suit everyone. I'm ok if they're all different. Compatible, but different.

4. "Why is everyone so excited?"

I guess I've just been expecting this for a while. Maybe I'm just not excitable. And don't get me wrong, I am very INCREDIBLY happy. But I didn't do much screaming and jumping up and down and gushing about the wedding (yet). It seemed like everyone I talked to was way more excited and  willing to talk about wedding details that I was. Maybe I was just in shock. Maybe that was it.

5. "I already know what I want."

Even with all of the questions, I already had most of the answers. Since Jonathan and I decided that we wanted to pursue a lasting relationship, I've been thinking about our wedding (what girl hasn't?). I have my colors, songs, favors, ideas. Not everything...but a good bit of it already thought out. Good thing too, since it's going to be in 5 months.....

6. "I have a LOT to do..."

I do have help. Parents are great, I have a great planner. Jonathan is as cooperative as a man can be. But geez. This is a LOT of decisions to make.

7. "I'm so blessed."

I feel like I've reached the easy part of my life. That may sound bad, but I'm pretty happy about it. I have a loving Godly man. He has a great family. We have great jobs that we love. I have no major problems. My biggest problem is finding enough time in the day to do everything. I have no idea how it ended up this way, but I have no complaints. I hope that this time of planning our life together is as relaxing and stressless as possible. I'm going to work to make it that way. The wedding is one day but the marriage is forever. That's what I'm focused on. A great marriage.

Thank you all for supporting us and congratulating us. I hope you all will be a part of our life together.

Thankful

I've been really, really stressed out lately.

With Gan-Gan dying, and me moving to Ohio...there are so many life changes happening in a short about of time.

But with the bad comes some good, and now I'm forcing myself to concentrate on the good. So here are some things I've been thankful for the past week or 2.

1. I'm thankful that most of my grandparents and great-grandparents were/are faithful Christians. Just walking through Grandma's house, I see 5 Bibles. I remember her telling me Bible stories. I remember Gan-Gan doing the count at Huntingdon and making sure all of the men serving were there. I've heard stories of his father being a devout Christian who enjoyed singing gospel. Today I read old journal posts from my great-grandmother where she frequently says things like "The Lord blessed me with..." and "I pray for..." and "I'm thankful to God for..."

Seeing and hearing about their strong example makes me want to be strong like them. I want to make them proud.

2. I'm thankful for Grandma. Grandma is my mom's mom. (Not the one whose husband just died.) She says I can always stay with her when I need to. She will always cook for me and take care of me (even if I tell her she doesn't have to.) She's down to earth and honest. I can talk to her, she's funny. She may be forgetful at times, but she is cool. She kept me and my cousins a lot as we were kids and never hesitated to get on to us. She knows how to work hard (she mopped the kitchen floor at 10PM last night.) I'm so thankful that she's here.

3. I'm thankful for my sister. We're very different. For most of our lives, we never really got along. And still, we have very different views and opinions. But we do get along now, and the differences complement each other. She's been a helpful support during these past couple of weeks. And I hope that when I move, we can stay close.

4. I'm thankful that Gan-Gan recorded things. He labeled some of his belongings "For Jennifer" and "For Katie." He took pictures of the houses he painted. He wrote down what he did most of his days. He videotaped a good majority of mine and Katie's lives. He took oodles and oodles of pictures. All of this means I can know more about him and keep his memory strong. I appreciate that.

5. I'm thankful Jonathan got to know Gan-Gan. I will ALWAYS treasure listening to them talk. It was like hearing two old friends talk. They had a lot in common. And Gan-Gan approved of Jonathan. He said he was a good man and he was alright with us getting married someday. And if he thinks that, so do I.

Thoughts on Gan-Gan

I just wanted to write a few thoughts on Gan-Gan. We haven't even had the visitation yet, but already so many people have sent food and visited and offered prayers, and I'm so thankful for that.

He was such a well-liked man. Almost everyone knew him. The funeral director, greeter, and secretary knew him, the florist knew him. He was charming and loved to talk and tell stories. He was simple. Usually just wore a pair of coveralls and took care of his farm.

I'm thankful for several things. The fact that he wrote a lot of stuff down. Memories, houses he painted, things he wanted us to know. (Now we just have to find them.) He kept a lot of  my dad's, mine, and my sister's toys (I'm pretty sure for sentimentality.) He also kept things that we gave/made him. They're all over his room. I'm thankful that he has community service awards and county beautification awards. I'm thankful that he was a faithful Christian, as were most of his friends.

He kept newspapers and bulletins that mentioned someone he loved. He has the bulletin from when I went forward the last time. He has the one from when Katie got baptized. He was so kind to everyone. When he would get cross with a nurse, he felt bad and apologized the next time he saw them. He was fair.

He was also mischievous. People who knew him when he was a kid said that he was always cutting up and up to something. For instance, he was blind in one eye and I never knew why until a couple of months ago. He said that when he was a boy, he and his brother got a BB gun for Christmas. They ran outside to play with it. My uncle had it in his hand, Gan-Gan bent over and said "shoot me in the butt!" Well, my uncle only had 1 good arm. So he missed and shot his eye out.

There are guns and knives all over his room. One has a handwritten sign on it that says "Loaded." As Jonathan said, "At least he was concerned for our safety."

He loved animals. I'm so tempted to bring my dog to the funeral. It just seems right.

While we were looking for pictures for the slideshow, we realized that there aren't a lot of us with him because he was always the one taking them. There are so many old pictures of my MeMa because he took them.

He was a hard worker. He owned a paint and wallpaper store at one time.

He always called MeMa "sugar".

He was one of those sweet grandpas whose grandkids melted his heart. I'm going to miss him so much.

My Thorns, My Scars

For those of you who don't know, I deal with depression. I hesitate to use the phrase "suffer with", although suffer is a good term for it. However, I'd rather "deal with" depression than "suffer" with it.

It pains me to write this. It's usually something I don't want just everyone to know. I'm afraid people will treat me differently. Hesitate to get close to me. Stigmatize it. Or worse, qualify my mental illness as a sin.

It started as a teenager and has rarely relented since. I've seen many counselors and finally decided to try anti-depressants about 2 years ago. Boy, I wish I would have started them sooner. It makes a world of difference. So much so, that this last year has been almost normal.

Almost.

Those of you that are closest to me (and those of you that have been reading my blogs for years) know that I have also suffered from an addiction. I don't yet feel comfortable disclosing that to the public again, but I'm sure if you stalked my blogs long enough, you'd figure it out.

In the past, when my depression and addiction took over my life, I flunked out of classes. I lost friends. I was incredibly irresponsible, mean, and crazy. I was not dependable for anything. I was lazy. But I've gotten incredibly better, so much so that no one who has met me in the past year would notice, I think.

But I tell you all of this to tell you that it's never over.

This weekend, I participated in one of the most amazing weekends ever. I participated with the youth group in Lad to Leaders. I was a chaperone. I was given responsibility. I'm sure they could have done it just fine without me, but people depended on me. And in the midst of the crowds of people, the new experiences, the responsibility.....I almost cracked.

I made it through with just a few panicked moments alone. And I'm proud of myself. In the past, I would have given in to depression. I would have just crawled in a corner and sobbed. But I didn't. I came through with my head held high. And I had fun. I'm so glad I did it.

Part of me is afraid that people will read this and not want to give me responsibility again. I pray that's not the case. I've gone through a lot to get to this point and I've accomplished a lot to be able to control this.

Part of me doesn't want to be ashamed of this anymore. I have a friend, Katelyn, who has gone through depression and I look up to her. She is not ashamed. And she uses it to help others. I wanna be like her.

Please don't let this change your opinion of me. I'm the same person you've always known, now you just have a better idea of why I am the way that I am.

I guess my point in all of this is, I don't want to hide it. This has been a part of my life for 10 years. I feel like it is a piece of me, but not a bad piece anymore. It's brought me wisdom and knowledge, mercy and long-suffering. I want you to know that this is part of who I am.

And I just pray that you'll all still love me the same. :-)

Perception

If you've ever read my Facebook statuses, you'll know I'm not an optimist.

It's true. I believe that people are created with a natural disposition to be optimistic, pessimistic, or realistic. I think God did that on purpose, so that the world would have a good balance of cup half empty, cup half full, and cup filled with liquid kind of people.

So, I think he made me a realist. I'm not sure how I come off to others, but in my head, I feel like a realist. My bad days happen because bad things happened. My good days happen when good things happened.

I try to live each day to it's best. I try to please God in everything that I do. I try to spread the Word about the Good News.

But...I fail a lot. I start to realize that most of the things I post online are negative...even though most of the things I think are not. I realize that most of my Facebook friends don't see and converse with me on a daily basis, so the only perception they have is what I post.

For that, I'm sorry. I hope that the people with whom I do converse with on a regular basis can attest to the fact that I'm not a whiney complainey dramatic person. I hope. And I hope that if I am that way in person, that I can become a better person.

However, I also want you to know that I will always speak my mind. I see no shame in being honest or hiding my feelings. (I think you all probably know that.) I do, however, must continually practice doing that kindly. Sometimes my mouth gets ahead of my mind and things just don't come out nicely. For that, I'm sorry.

As a child, I got in trouble a lot for SAYING something wrong. I didn't misbehave a lot. I did talk back.

My tongue is perhaps my biggest weakness, but I've come a long way in controlling it. Sometimes I just need a little boost.

So here's to more positive Facebook posts!

The Problem with Eating

I've never really been good at food. That sounds weird, but let me explain.

I was never a good cook. Never interested in cooking really. I'm (for all intents and purposes) diabetic, which limits what I can eat, how much I eat, and when I eat. I was a very picky eater as a child. And as an adult, I'm not a picky eater, but there are a few foods that I still detest (corn and pork for example). Do you know how hard it is to find recipes that don't include pork or corn? DO you know how hard it is to find a can of soup without corn? Difficult, I tell you. I'm really a snacker. I'd rather eat 10 small snacks a day than 3 whole meals. Cooking takes up too much time for me. I usually work til 8 or 9 PM which makes cooking dinner impossible. I like to cook occasionally, especially when guests are coming, but not much more. And I live by myself. Most cooking endeavors involve leftovers (which I don't like) or frozen things in small portions. And let me tell you, frozen veggies and cans of soup get old after a while.

All of those things together make eating just a chore for me. I find myself going to the grocery store every 2 weeks and stocking up on freeze-dried noodles, cans of soup, frozen veggies, and cereal bars with a grimace. I want to eat delicious foods. I want to eat healthy. I want to eat cheap. I want to eat in my home.

So there's my beef with food. (Get it? A pun!) And I think I've found an option. It's a growing trend and thanks to Pinterest, I've learned a lot about it. What is it, you might ask?

Freezer meals.

It's quite simple. You spend one day a month cooking. Then you freeze everything in bags or jars and just heat up when ready. It's the answer to my problems. I mean, there are still some setbacks (small freezer, finding recipes I like, compiling the list of ingredients, finding a day to do nothing but cook, etc), but those in no way exceed the positives. I can freeze things in small portions that I will eat all of. I don't have to stare inside my pantry and wonder what I can make with noodles, sweetened condensed milk, and old cereal. I don't have to cook every night. I can have a variety of things. The positives are endless, I think.

SO here I go. I'm currently compiling recipes. I have to admit, so far I've looked at about 20 recipes, and I have 2 written down to try. I think I'm going to start with 5, with maybe 4 servings of each, which will equal 20 meals. These are primarily for supper for now. I'm going to see how I like it, then try some lunch recipes. I usually don't eat much for breakfast (cereal bar, banana, a handful of pepperoni, whatever I grab in my groggy state) so I'm not going to worry about that.

Anyway. Pray for me, will you? I know eating doesn't sound like a big deal, but it's been a thorn in my side for years. Hopefully this will lead to a better, healthier way of living. :-)

New Year, Old Ways

I have to admit, the New Year has not gone as planned so far. In a word, it has been BUSY. I mean, it's the 5th day of the year and I've already worked 3 shifts and taken a trip to Ohio.

Before the new year began, I had been thinking about resolutions. I don't really call them that. I view it as, "How do I want to change my life this year. What can I do to be better?" So I prefer the term 'life-change.'

So far, I had just come up with, exercise more. I hate exercise. My diet is decent, but my exercise is non-existent, so I was gonna work on that. And then there's the usual staple of becoming closer to God. But since that is an everyday thing, I don't really count it as a new year life-change. So exercise was going to be it.

Then, the first 5 days of the New Year came. From spending midnight on the phone with Jonathan, crying because I missed him and I had millions of things to do before coming to see him, to waking up this morning exhausted, wishing I could just stay home and clean my house. I'm so tired. And it's only the 5th of January.

Which makes me realize, I've got to change something else this year.

Since my freshman year of high school, I've had a planner. A trusty book that holds my entire life. To-do lists, schedules, shopping lists, phone numbers. For 10 years I've been living by this book. I relish in picking out a new one each year. It has to be perfect.

And since my freshman year of high school, I've been busy. Literally. I mean, I plan out my days to the brim. Hour by hour. I try to do as much as I can in a day.

I guess you could call me a busy-body. I admit it...Martha and I have a lot in common. (Luke 10:40)

After a while, I start to deteriorate. It's happened before. I start feeling like the bags under my eyes could hold all of my belongings. I inhale as much caffeine as I can just to make it through the day. I have this nagging stomachache (which I think might be an ulcer). And I just don't have time to eat. I start falling asleep while driving, talking on the phone, or when there are 4 cop cars in the yard because my neighbors think that someone tried to break into their house. Do normal people sleep through that?!

Worst of all, my time with God disappears. The Henderson congregation graciously provided each family with a daily devotional book for the new year. I have been so excited to start...and then I realize that 5 days in, I still haven't completed Day 1. And when I sit down to start, I can't focus because the other million things on my mind keep pushing through.

At this point, I have to back up and breath. It's time to re-prioritize my life and my time. First things first...which means I need to put down the planner and pick up the Bible...the Book that SHOULD run my life. I have to take care of myself, God's creation. I have to give Him my time.